All Your Haints Are Belong to Me

This is the part where I would love to introduce myself with some great, public-access-style intro. Jazzy Haunted Mansion music, the camera zooms in on a coffin, it creaks open slowly — and I pop out like the Crypt Keeper. Weeelcome to my blooog. *slaver, slaver, cackle, drool*

Alas and alack, I don’t have a coffin, creaky or otherwise, and I don’t look like the Crypt Keeper (except early in the morning, before I’ve washed my face). I’m terribly sorry to disappoint you; I’ve been told more than once by people who have met me that I don’t seem like a horror writer at all. I’m chunky, bubbly, and a bit of a goofball. I don’t dress in all black, I only wear makeup at Halloween, and I collect really bad jokes like grandmas collect doilies and Hummels.

Pictured: A creepy-ass doll staring into your soul, and definitely NOT a Hummel.

(Favorite joke: Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies! Hyuck hyuck hyuck…)

“Ees not funny.”

For those who know me well, however — and I hope, my freaky blog-reading darlings, that YOU will come to know me well — it’s sort of obvious that I’m not really suited for anything but writing horror. I’ve been morbid since birth, quite literally; I was born on Halloween night in a hospital on Gallows Road. For a long time, I didn’t understand that Halloween was a holiday quite separate from my birthday; I thought orange and black were my colors, that pumpkins were only for my birthday. Spiders, bats, black cats and crows were all mine; Frankenstein and Dracula were monsters that belonged to me. That early self-identification with the macabre led to a lifelong love affair with all things spooky, strange, terrifying, morbid, grotesque, and just plain weird. And from the moment I learned as a wee beastie that could make stories, too, I’ve been writing them down for the pure, sweet joy of scaring the pants off you.

I have lots of plans for this blog:

1) I love to write, and talk, so this fills my incessant need to shout my opinions into the void.

2) In addition to the stories found here, I’m working on a novel — the first in a series — and it will be fun to talk about it here as a sort of documentary of the process (something to look back on when I’m old and gray and squinting at the screen through my bifocals).

3) I’m also going to talk about whatever weird thing pops into my head — from horror literature and films, to mummies, to vampire legends, to local ghost stories — all the freaky-wonderful stuff that has been and continues to be my endless source of creative inspiration.

(Short version: I’m going to talk about scary shit. Because I like it, and this is my blog.)

I plan to post every other day or so, with notice if I plan to vanish into the ether for an extended period of time (usually only on my rare days off from the Internet). I sincerely hope you will stick around and nosh on horror with me.

Welcome to my house! Enter freely. Go safely, and leave something of the happiness you bring!